A Year Ago

I was going to bed wondering whether I was going to go into labor again. Curious about whether the little being inside my belly was going to want to come out. Or whether, she really wanted to wait a few more days before making her appearance into this world. 

She chose to get things going sometime in the night. Her sister, finally, chose to sleep through the night. Giving their mother space and time that now comes so rarely. I remember the anticipation. What will she look like? How will I love her as much as I love O? How will I do this? How can I leave O to have a baby? How.. how… 

I took a bath. I listened to my guided imageries to relax. To calm. To zen. Amazingly they worked and I labored through the early morning with confidence.

I remember the contractions being so different than they were for O’s birth. More like I imagined they would be. Intense, but manageable. 

And despite questioning the regularity of the contractions, 7 am found us at the hospital, at 3 cm, and we almost went home again. That was until I walked the hallway with my doula and before my doctor checked me again and found I had progressed to 7. We stayed. 

I was surprisingly calm. Stoic, my doctor said. Relief and comfort came from the Hubs, my doula and the lovely birthing ball. 

I remember feeling almost outside of myself, centering with breath, moving with music, supported by love.

The fear came in the last 20 minutes, when it was clear it was time to push my daughter out into the world and I was afraid she would fall out if I wasn’t on the ball. Fall out? That would have been nice. No. She did not fall out, I pushed her out, with 3, maybe 4 constant pushes, pushing between contractions because my body could not do anything else in those moments. A baby was going to be born. Now.

And so my dear sweet M was born at 12:01 pm on October 10th 2009. Ushered in by Ray Lamontagne’s, Three More Days. She entered the world much the way she lives in it. With quiet calm, laughter, intensity, and determination. 

I love you Maggie June. Happy Birthday little one.